An accurate and concise articulation of the problem, with some excellent analogies that really ring true. I was lucky to come of age before the advent of online dating (Gen X). Much of what you say about broader social trends was applicable then, but I really feel for the young people trying to navigate this treacherous terrain today, especially given how much more bad information is being pumped into the culture today. Our culture is obviously sick and completely contrary to human nature, when something as fundamental as male/female relations becomes such an uphill battle that most people are unable to do it successfully.
Marriage has become a purely economic legal arrangement that, honestly, would be better served as some sort of corporate partnership entity. It makes no sense to marry, the economic risk is outrageously high. For any reason, disappointment, boredom, whatever she can just leave with the kids and in most states you lose half your assets. There is zero recourse and, if you are a successful guy, you just lose. Heartbreak, betrayal, character assassination, legal fees, stress on stress, and at the end half or more goes away. I’m 50. Twice now I’ve lived this. As a practicing Christian, I’m not looking for hookups either. So dating is a hard pass.
I’m actually not your age female 60 and doing some dating and there really are some good women out there who really aren’t interested in getting married but would love a great guy to have fun with travel with companionship support each other etc… it makes sense at this age for each person to keep assets etc… separate as we aren’t having children. hope you’ll consider finding someone in the future
It was already mostly ruined when I came of age in the early 80s. I recall working in a restaurant with bitter angry women who would date with no clarity as to what the purpose was. The rules had been thrown out the window. Hooking up? Friends with benefits? Serious? Even living together was unclear. Feminism created this problem. And now as you say it’s just gotten worse with online dating and a toxic narrative that claims the world will burn up if we add more people to it; that being female is “oppression” and marriage “servitude.”
I’ll add to the values argument The behavior of others while trying to date is so disheartening. The ghosting, standing you up, disrespect, expectation of sex early on etc is completely out of control and I’m trying to date men my age late 50’s 60. Other women let them get away with murder. Online dating is a nightmare but I it’s difficult to meet organically because men are now afraid to even approach a woman or be a gentleman. They don’t want to be seen as some kind of creep I blame a lot of this on leftist feminism. promiscuity means they’re holding a guy to no standards. People are walking around with so much damage from being cheated on hurt abused and taken to the cleaners. It’s not just men who lose financially these days either. At this point in life I’ve raised a family so I’m not the person your talking to but even finding someone to hangout with travel with share life with with zero financial expectations zero issues with raising kids is hard.
Good essay, tough topic. Feminism, manufacturing jobs moved overseas, online dating, all big problems. I almost hate to bring this up, but birth control is so cheap, and effective, that hooking up for recreational sex knocked out a huge advantage/benefit of marriage. In America today, we just let in a bunch of new people when we fail to reproduce ourselves, and our culture splinters further. Here's my far-out essay topic- 'how embracing Frankie Avalon's (long lost) "Venus" (HQ, 1959) video could have saved America; by taking a more traditional path towards love.' Thanks, John
I think another point to add this the age of acceptability for marriage. One of the points your chart makes clear is that a lot of people in the past married their "high school sweetheart". Getting married at 18 wasn't taboo or discouraged like it is today. Among other things, that means people were pairing up with someone who had a more limited sexual history, and less relationship baggage. Not to mention, you simply had more time to conduct "the search".
That's related to the economic conditions you mention, but there's more to it than that. Society simply expects less of young people. Doesn't expect them to work, won't let them be unsupervised, expects more schooling, etc. The existence of Bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras, etc. are a reminder that people one viewed adulthood as beginning much earlier. 21 is basically the age of adulthood now.
The average age women married at in the 50s was pretty close to 20 and yes, the more baggage people accumulate, the more it can stop things from getting serious.
An accurate and concise articulation of the problem, with some excellent analogies that really ring true. I was lucky to come of age before the advent of online dating (Gen X). Much of what you say about broader social trends was applicable then, but I really feel for the young people trying to navigate this treacherous terrain today, especially given how much more bad information is being pumped into the culture today. Our culture is obviously sick and completely contrary to human nature, when something as fundamental as male/female relations becomes such an uphill battle that most people are unable to do it successfully.
Marriage has become a purely economic legal arrangement that, honestly, would be better served as some sort of corporate partnership entity. It makes no sense to marry, the economic risk is outrageously high. For any reason, disappointment, boredom, whatever she can just leave with the kids and in most states you lose half your assets. There is zero recourse and, if you are a successful guy, you just lose. Heartbreak, betrayal, character assassination, legal fees, stress on stress, and at the end half or more goes away. I’m 50. Twice now I’ve lived this. As a practicing Christian, I’m not looking for hookups either. So dating is a hard pass.
I’m actually not your age female 60 and doing some dating and there really are some good women out there who really aren’t interested in getting married but would love a great guy to have fun with travel with companionship support each other etc… it makes sense at this age for each person to keep assets etc… separate as we aren’t having children. hope you’ll consider finding someone in the future
It was already mostly ruined when I came of age in the early 80s. I recall working in a restaurant with bitter angry women who would date with no clarity as to what the purpose was. The rules had been thrown out the window. Hooking up? Friends with benefits? Serious? Even living together was unclear. Feminism created this problem. And now as you say it’s just gotten worse with online dating and a toxic narrative that claims the world will burn up if we add more people to it; that being female is “oppression” and marriage “servitude.”
I’ll add to the values argument The behavior of others while trying to date is so disheartening. The ghosting, standing you up, disrespect, expectation of sex early on etc is completely out of control and I’m trying to date men my age late 50’s 60. Other women let them get away with murder. Online dating is a nightmare but I it’s difficult to meet organically because men are now afraid to even approach a woman or be a gentleman. They don’t want to be seen as some kind of creep I blame a lot of this on leftist feminism. promiscuity means they’re holding a guy to no standards. People are walking around with so much damage from being cheated on hurt abused and taken to the cleaners. It’s not just men who lose financially these days either. At this point in life I’ve raised a family so I’m not the person your talking to but even finding someone to hangout with travel with share life with with zero financial expectations zero issues with raising kids is hard.
Good essay, tough topic. Feminism, manufacturing jobs moved overseas, online dating, all big problems. I almost hate to bring this up, but birth control is so cheap, and effective, that hooking up for recreational sex knocked out a huge advantage/benefit of marriage. In America today, we just let in a bunch of new people when we fail to reproduce ourselves, and our culture splinters further. Here's my far-out essay topic- 'how embracing Frankie Avalon's (long lost) "Venus" (HQ, 1959) video could have saved America; by taking a more traditional path towards love.' Thanks, John
I think another point to add this the age of acceptability for marriage. One of the points your chart makes clear is that a lot of people in the past married their "high school sweetheart". Getting married at 18 wasn't taboo or discouraged like it is today. Among other things, that means people were pairing up with someone who had a more limited sexual history, and less relationship baggage. Not to mention, you simply had more time to conduct "the search".
That's related to the economic conditions you mention, but there's more to it than that. Society simply expects less of young people. Doesn't expect them to work, won't let them be unsupervised, expects more schooling, etc. The existence of Bar mitzvahs, quinceañeras, etc. are a reminder that people one viewed adulthood as beginning much earlier. 21 is basically the age of adulthood now.
The average age women married at in the 50s was pretty close to 20 and yes, the more baggage people accumulate, the more it can stop things from getting serious.
Getting married at 18 isn't really so much taboo or having baggage, it's just impossible with the reality of going off to college being expected.