His Fiancée Doesn’t Want to Have Sex Anymore. Should He Call Off the Wedding?
This is one of those fascinating little Reddit stories that pop up from time to time that are worth discussing. This poor guy? Let’s just say that he’s not in an enviable position:
My fiancée [25f] is sexually unattracted to me [27m]. Should I break off the wedding?
Hi all. This about me [27m] and my fiancee [25f]. Some backstory: we met in college, when she was a freshman and I was a sophomore. Have been together since, and have gone through our share of ups and downs. Sex was fantastic for the first few years. She was in an athlete and I was a gym guy, so there was lots of sexual tension to go. Now, natural, intimate sex is gone unless I bother the sh*t out of her and point out how we've gone weeks to months. Nothing I've tried has worked. This has been happening for the latter part of two years. Her thoughts on lingerie are "we grew out of that" (she is only 25? The f*ck do you mean we grew out of it).
The cracks began to show when we were having a disagreement about this, and I point blank asked if she was unattracted to me. I said I wasn't mad, but I needed her to be honest so we can set expectations for the relationship. She blurted out she thinks she is asexual. I mentioned that I'm fine with that, but I need sex and maybe we should consider the possibility that I'm allowed to f*ck other people (safely) to fill that void. Let's say it did not end well lol.
Next is the sex toys. Again no shaming, but she hides it and is embarrassed by a vibrator that she herself bought. I've asked if we could incorporate during intimacy, but that was shot down. This follows it up that when I was cleaning up a mess of hers and putting her stuff away, in her work bag I found the vibrator??? Just straight weird, it's the female equivalent of me carrying a pocket p*ssy in the bag that is often a few feet from my boss.
She knows sex is important to me, however I think she is just stringing this along as long as she can. Anytime I bring it up she gets embarrassed, and either gets angry or cries or both.
What do I do. I am in a sexless relationship at 27 with someone who is physically unattracted to me. No kids. I've got an appointment with a shrink I'm going to also get some advice from her as well. I make very good money and have a great living situation so I believe she is taking advantage of me, but perhaps I've been blind and only now waking up.
Edit: I see a recurring criticism of me "bothering the sh*t out of her". I'm being a bit facetious. Generally I ask every few weeks or so. As of today I don't think I've asked for sex for at least 2 weeks? Probably 3 at this point since it's the weekend.
Just to recap, this has been going on for TWO YEARS and he has tried to talk with her about it. She responded that she’s “asexual,” but she carries a vibrator to work. Trying to talk about it further leads to anger, crying, or embarrassment. Now, they’re about to get married.
So, first of all, there are potentially an awful lot of reasons a relationship might go from sexual to non-sexual.
She could have a medical condition. She could have started an anti-anxiety drug that killed her desire. She could be cheating with another guy. Maybe he’s really bad in bed. Maybe she really is “asexual” or was never sexually attracted to him, sucked it up as long as she could and isn’t interested anymore. Maybe she was traumatized by a sexual assault she hadn’t told him about. Maybe she has an extremely low sex drive and started becoming more selfish about taking care of him. It goes on and on and on.
Whatever the case may be, look at how this particular situation is breaking down. Women tend to pay an awful lot of attention to even the subtle messages they send to men, and this is not just any man, it’s her fiancée. The guy she may potentially spend THE REST OF HER LIFE WITH.
Usually in the situation she’s in, if anything, women are usually trying to be on their best behavior to seal the deal. So, when his fiancée has basically stopped having sex with him for two years and is actually flat-out telling him that she’s “asexual,” it says a lot.
In fact, my gut instinct after reading this is that she doesn’t want to be in a relationship with him anymore and she’s trying to get him to break up with her. No matter how great a relationship may be between a man and a woman, if they’re not having sex, it’s really closer to a friendship or a roommate situation than a real relationship.
Just look at what it’s already doing to this guy. He thinks she’s, “physically unattracted to me” and “I make very good money and have a great living situation, so I believe she is taking advantage of me.” Is he right? Maybe or maybe not, but it doesn’t really matter.
This is the sort of self-doubt that is going to creep in if even the woman you are willing to commit to for the rest of your life doesn’t want you. Additionally, a psychologist isn’t going to fix this situation either because if she really is asexual and just can’t stand to keep having sex with him, that’s not going to be fixed. On the other hand, if it’s something else, he has tried to get her to talk honestly about it a number of times and in her mind, whatever is really going on is even worse than her being “asexual.”
What guy in his right mind would want to marry into this situation and spend decades sexually frustrated, doubting themselves because even their wife doesn’t want to be with them? On top of that, there’s a very real danger that if they get married, a few years down the line, she’ll meet some guy that does get her excited, have an affair, divorce him, and give him the old, “I love you, but I’m not in love you” spiel as she takes half of what he owns and goes off to bang Adolfo, her tennis instructor until he gets tired of her and moves on.
There are few mistakes a man can make in life that will more negatively impact his life than marrying the “wrong woman,” and a woman you’ve had to beg for sex for the last two years is definitely the “wrong woman.”
Ah, there is a more likely reason: She is a lesbian. She decided along the way she likes women, a lot more than men, and her vibrator is for her new girlfriend. I had a friend from college and this happened to him almost exactly the same way. If I was a betting man, this is where my money goes. You do not turn asexual at 25 after having a good vigorous sex left beforehand. She has safety and maybe other perks with him, but is getting her jollies from munching carpet elsewhere. He should ask her about it, and if so, enjoy the three of them for a few fun evenings to make up for lost time, and then throw her the hell out.
The problem -- aside from the bitch he wasted half a decade on -- is he is emotionally weak and maybe low in testosterone. He should dump her ass, not ask a stranger for advice. He should have given her a friendly ultimatum years ago: we fix our sex problem pronto or there is no us.