That reddit story of the wife isn't grieving, it is vulnerable narcissism... moving close to demonstrating a dark triad personality disorder.
No, nope, never, not on my watch.
The husband is responsible for enabling. I'm sorry, but life... that too short period of time... that four twenties and some change if we are lucky... is a repeating cycle of periods of relative calm between the next crisis or tragedy. There is absolutely ZERO justification for anyone grieving about some loss to force their emotional pain onto other family members. Yes, empathy dictates moving the line of acceptable behavior lower for some time, but that clock should be very short. Because every day spent wallowing in grief wastes a precious day in preparation for the next life milestone of new grief.
I have seen this play over and over again destroying marriages. My brother In-law did the same. His father in-law had ALS and eventually died. His wife milked that situation for control. She would rage at him for not following her orders, and then when he would call her on it, she would shrink into a crying victim and he would of course run to comfort her because he was a good guy. Then he would accept her orders to prevent the crying. They divorced.
I told him that he needed to draw the line. That many females have a chronic bipolar problem... uncontrolled emotions and swing to extremes of rage, sadness and euphoria. Without boundaries set they will eventually light fire to every relationship.
"Hey honey, I love you and am sorry for the pain you are going through over the loss of your dad. However, your grief should not negatively impact your other relationships, but it has been. Let's work together to get passed this so we can better enjoy the good days we have until the next crisis or tragedy. I promise to work as hard as I can to make things better, but I need the same commitment from you. I will provide gentle reminders when you are having a bad day that we need to make sure it does not negatively impact our relationship and the relationship with our children."
And then if the gentle reminders don't work, get direct. Draw the line. Don't be an asshole. Don't be mean. Just be calm and consistent but firm.
People definitely grieve differently. However, some people cross the line to the point that they are making it about themselves. The woman in the story, though, sounds like it might be a molestation situation. That is unnatural (3 years I mean).
Grief is a tough one.i equate it to a big party with glitter all over the place. Parties over and you clean the mess and move on as best you can. You believe you have it all. Then every now and again you find a piece of glitter and it brings it all back again.
Well said, John. We should all realize that the nature of life itself is temporary so, by definition, nothing lasts forever. When someone you love passes, you have to ask yourself, “would they want me to get on with and enjoy my life” or would they want you to be crippled in despair. I can assure you that no one that loved you would want you to be crippled n despair.
I agree that this woman is being a narcissist. 30 years ago, that would have been me. I was physically and sexually abused as a child. I just could not get past it and thought everyone should feel sorry for me and be sensitive to my feelings.
After my mental breakdown, I sought out psychiatric help. I have chronic depression. I will likely suffer from it for the rest of my days. My psychiatrist though helped me to get to the point that I do not push my pain onto those in my life. Yes, I am feeling bad today, but I still have to take care of business for those counting on me. It was not all about me. I realized that everyone has suffered some sort of trauma in their lives. I am not special and life is not fair.
I have the power over my life now. So I decided to make something of it, be a father and husband, and do what I need to do. When I am feeling depressed, I recognize it for what it is. My brain is viewing the world through the filter of depression. I know things are better than they appear so I find ways to keep busy and not dwell on how I feel. I get so busy with life I forget that I was depressed.
There was a time when I wanted everyone around me to know I was depressed. I wanted their sympathy. Now, the only person I might tell is my wife or son. It is not for sympathy. It is to let them know why my spirits are down and I know I will get through this. Until then, I do not want to dwell on my feelings because that just makes things worse. I feel good that most people have no idea I am in a depressive mood because I am doing what needs to be done.
That reddit story of the wife isn't grieving, it is vulnerable narcissism... moving close to demonstrating a dark triad personality disorder.
No, nope, never, not on my watch.
The husband is responsible for enabling. I'm sorry, but life... that too short period of time... that four twenties and some change if we are lucky... is a repeating cycle of periods of relative calm between the next crisis or tragedy. There is absolutely ZERO justification for anyone grieving about some loss to force their emotional pain onto other family members. Yes, empathy dictates moving the line of acceptable behavior lower for some time, but that clock should be very short. Because every day spent wallowing in grief wastes a precious day in preparation for the next life milestone of new grief.
I have seen this play over and over again destroying marriages. My brother In-law did the same. His father in-law had ALS and eventually died. His wife milked that situation for control. She would rage at him for not following her orders, and then when he would call her on it, she would shrink into a crying victim and he would of course run to comfort her because he was a good guy. Then he would accept her orders to prevent the crying. They divorced.
I told him that he needed to draw the line. That many females have a chronic bipolar problem... uncontrolled emotions and swing to extremes of rage, sadness and euphoria. Without boundaries set they will eventually light fire to every relationship.
"Hey honey, I love you and am sorry for the pain you are going through over the loss of your dad. However, your grief should not negatively impact your other relationships, but it has been. Let's work together to get passed this so we can better enjoy the good days we have until the next crisis or tragedy. I promise to work as hard as I can to make things better, but I need the same commitment from you. I will provide gentle reminders when you are having a bad day that we need to make sure it does not negatively impact our relationship and the relationship with our children."
And then if the gentle reminders don't work, get direct. Draw the line. Don't be an asshole. Don't be mean. Just be calm and consistent but firm.
People definitely grieve differently. However, some people cross the line to the point that they are making it about themselves. The woman in the story, though, sounds like it might be a molestation situation. That is unnatural (3 years I mean).
Grief is a tough one.i equate it to a big party with glitter all over the place. Parties over and you clean the mess and move on as best you can. You believe you have it all. Then every now and again you find a piece of glitter and it brings it all back again.
Well said, John. We should all realize that the nature of life itself is temporary so, by definition, nothing lasts forever. When someone you love passes, you have to ask yourself, “would they want me to get on with and enjoy my life” or would they want you to be crippled in despair. I can assure you that no one that loved you would want you to be crippled n despair.
The woman “grieving” for her father going on 3 years is a narcissist. Selfish. Self-indulgent. Cruel. I feel sorry for her husband and her children.
I agree that this woman is being a narcissist. 30 years ago, that would have been me. I was physically and sexually abused as a child. I just could not get past it and thought everyone should feel sorry for me and be sensitive to my feelings.
After my mental breakdown, I sought out psychiatric help. I have chronic depression. I will likely suffer from it for the rest of my days. My psychiatrist though helped me to get to the point that I do not push my pain onto those in my life. Yes, I am feeling bad today, but I still have to take care of business for those counting on me. It was not all about me. I realized that everyone has suffered some sort of trauma in their lives. I am not special and life is not fair.
I have the power over my life now. So I decided to make something of it, be a father and husband, and do what I need to do. When I am feeling depressed, I recognize it for what it is. My brain is viewing the world through the filter of depression. I know things are better than they appear so I find ways to keep busy and not dwell on how I feel. I get so busy with life I forget that I was depressed.
There was a time when I wanted everyone around me to know I was depressed. I wanted their sympathy. Now, the only person I might tell is my wife or son. It is not for sympathy. It is to let them know why my spirits are down and I know I will get through this. Until then, I do not want to dwell on my feelings because that just makes things worse. I feel good that most people have no idea I am in a depressive mood because I am doing what needs to be done.