Discussion about this post

User's avatar
Ice Age's avatar

You want quotes? I got your quotes right here!

"The price of liberty is eternal vigilantism."

"The world would be a better place if there weren't so many people trying to make it a better place."

"Conservatives believe in utopia just as much as leftists do. The difference is that the leftist utopia looks like 'Star Trek: The Next Generation' and the conservative one 'Leave It To Beaver.'"

"You don't shoot that mugger till he stops moving. You shoot him till he stops bleeding."

"If it has tits or wheels, it WILL give you trouble."

"If someone's not your friend or a relative, then all they want is either your money, or for you to be a foot soldier in the march to their paradise, or both."

"Prohibitionists aren’t really at war with alcoholic beverages, pornography, drunk driving, guns, drugs or cars. They’ve picked a fight with the most powerful foe of all: man’s capacity to abuse those things which give pleasure. They cannot win that battle."

"The Bible says that when seeking a mate, the faithful should not associate with unbelievers. That’s good advice for car guys, too."

"The problem with crazy people is that they don’t know they’re crazy. You really think the guy wearing a clown mask and jerking off to a phone book is gonna say, 'You know, I think it’s me.'"

"Your ability to drink your weight in beer will not impress The Nuge."

“Well, we don’t call them ‘Girl Scout Cookies’ anymore. Now they’re ‘Lesbian Summer Camp Cookies.’"

"If your job wasn’t performed by a cat or a boa constrictor in a Richard Scarry book I’m not sure it’s necessary."

"The only political poll worth noticing is the election."

"Had the automobile predated John Locke, driving might today be considered a civil right."

"Please do not construe my 27 jobs as 'job-hopping.' I have never quit a job."

“Real life isn’t like the movies. A real high school fight would end as soon as the first serious blow landed. You wouldn't have to fight the whole football team - one epic nut shot or half a dozen of somebody’s teeth down their own throat, and it’s over.”

“It’s not my fault your turkey tasted like wet toilet paper stuffed into a burned basketball!”

"The reason that Tim McGraw Beards are so popular is that they let fat guys look tough without having to go jogging."

"The only legitimate purposes of The State are to prevent hostile foreigners from victimizing Citizens and preventing the Citizens themselves from victimizing each other."

"What’s the difference between Law and Justice? Law is putting a murderer to death and Justice is letting the victim’s family pull the lever."

"I'd be a terrible police hostage negotiator, because I believe context matters. SOMETHING put that guy up on that roof with that rifle and I wanna know WHAT. Nobody else would want me doing that job either, because after I finished my investigation, I'd likely be recommending enough charges to go around. People don't jump, they're pushed."

"The real reason suicide's against the law isn't because the government cares about you as a person, but because they consider it tax evasion."

"Maturity is great and all, but sometimes you just gotta toss it in the dumpster and go slug the guy in the Little Caesar's costume."

"I practice Disappointed Science. This is not Mad Science. See, it's not mad, just disappointed."

And lastly, the quote perhaps most appropriate for our times:

"To paraphrase Morpheus from 'The Matrix,' 'What is Safe? How do you define Safe?'"

Expand full comment
Steve Chapman's avatar

John, this is truly an excellent list.

Expand full comment
4 more comments...

No posts

Ready for more?