Rich Cooper from Entrepreneurs in Cars has re-released a chapter of one of his books that deals with red flags. It’s a genuinely intriguing list and it inspired me to do my own list, except, percentage-wise, my audience is more evenly split between men and women. So, rather than just doing a red flags list for men, it made sense to do one for women as well. In addition, since some things are red flags for either gender, there’s a list of those included too.
Really enjoying your writing, John. I parked on my phone the collection below of tips for women who are dating online; might be of interest to those drawn to your essay. And if a woman wants to write a parallel list for men based on her online dating experience, I’m sure I wouldn’t be alone on welcoming it:
What’s with the sunglasses? They don’t make you look chic; they communicate that you’re hiding something, that you don’t want to be here, or that you hate the way you look. Maybe all three. Shady indeed.
Smile in your photos. No one wants to date Eeyore.
You couldn’t comb your hair? Put on a little makeup? If you’re not going to do it for your profile photo, you’re not likely to do it ever. And men really like it when you make that effort to be feminine. What’s that? You want to be accepted for who and what you authentically are? Well then I’ll assume you don’t wear deodorant either.
(Have you considered the possibility that you’re projecting exactly what WON’T attract another person, because you don’t think you deserve it?)
What’s with the dogs? I like dogs, but if you’re communicating that dogs are The Most Important Thing to you, I might conclude that people aren’t. Dog ladies are the new cat ladies. Pass.
Look: it’s you with two, three, four other people. Which one is you again? I might like that other one better.
Don’t bother revealing anything unique, meaningful or interesting about yourself. Knowing whether you prefer beaches to mountains is all I ever need to know.
There is no reason whatsoever to put effort into your profile. It’s not like who you choose as your life partner is important. Keep doing what you’re doing, and get what you’ve always got.
You say you’re funny, even hilarious, but provide no evidence. Nothing you wrote is remotely funny. Don’t tell. Show. Then I’ll believe you.
RE divorced: As a 64 year old man, I finally realized that I have a fundamental problem dating in America. A woman in her 20s is unlikely to be interested in me. I might find a woman who has a thing for older men, but probably not. And any woman older than that is probably divorced. And odds are, she probably initiated the divorce. So if I get involved with such a women, I know going in that she doesn't take marriage vows seriously. When my second wife divorced me, I said to her that she had made a vow and should stay and work things out. She replied, quote, "You can't expect me to stay with you until death due us part just because I made a vow." And I thought, umm, that's what a vow is.
Poor communication or manipulative behavior are two of the biggest red flags for me. I've broken up with people in the past when they've said "you should know why I'm upset, and if you don't I can't help you..." Run FAR run FAST! One channel that I have seen on YouTube that talks about a lot of the pitfalls of relationships is The Dadvocate. Her "Womansplaining Men to Women" is pretty funny, and gets some good points across.
Great list, though it’s sad this isn’t just common sense. I will definitely be saving this for my boys.
Loved it. Thanks! It’s interesting to date 55-65. Most of these rules apply. I think the difference is that traditional expectations are a bit lower. The general consensus for both men & women is that the person is active and wants to experience life to the fullest.
Oh boy. So good John. As a former “saver” I ran through the gamut of your Red Flags...much to my own demise. 🙄
Anyone who isn't a bad match or is a good risk will probably recognize all these red flags, or at least most of them. Glad to say I wouldn't raise any of the flags men should look out for, except one, but have to admit I skirted the edges on a couple in the list for things women should look out for. The red flag I should raise for any man is 3 divorces. Granted the first two were short-lived, with no children involved, and the 3rd one lasted 38 years, well past our son's adulthood.
One red flag both should look out for is the kind of marital relationship the parents have. Whether rancorous, disastrous or harmonious, that will tell you a lot about the kind of relationship you might have with your romantic interest.
John, this is almost entirely absurdly obvious common sense.
This is an incredibly cynical and outdated way of considering red flags while getting to know someone. Why in the hell would anyone expect the man to pick up the check on a first date? There are at least 15 other jaw droppers in this list of red flags. I cam agree with some, even moat of these items, but the ones that sound like bullies laughing while one hangs from a hook in the locker room? Those belong in a movie. A movie satirizing red flags or dating advice columns in the New York Post. I can't believe some would write this...then re-release it...are you hoping for the Neanderthal award or were you just born during the Wilson administration?